Success – What does it mean to you?

Posted on February 21, 2012 by Caird Urquhart

With the recent tragic death of superstar Whitney Houston, one can’t help but think about the price we pay for success. For the girl with the golden voice it would seem that the pace she kept and some of the personalities she associated with in order to rise to stardom came at a high cost.

For those of us who live simpler lives the question, “Success at what price?” is equally a relevant one. Personally I don’t have to look too far to see the impact of the answer. Whether it be close friends or clients, the symptoms are present. Sleepless nights, panic attacks, the need for several drinks at the end of the day, irrational spurts of anger and frustration, all red flags that the price may be too high.

So what to do? I often ask my clients to define what success means to them. Typically they all start down the same path with some monetary amount as their marker. I can’t say I blame them. Everywhere we look today our self-worth is being measured by our net worth. The idea of “keeping up with the Jones’ ” has led many a hard working person to a state of emotional breakdown or bankruptcy.

When we measure ourselves by what car we drive or how big our home is, it will never be enough. WE will never be enough. There will always be someone with more who moves in next door. Watch out for this trap.

So if not financial success, then what? The question forces us to have a deeper look at what is really important. Perhaps it’s good health, time with our families or simply yet profoundly, freedom of choice. Beware of whether you take your day-to-day accomplishments for granted. Do you belittle their significance? When you overlook the small kind gesture of a child you have taught or that extra bud on a flower in a garden you have nurtured, you are walking right by many of your own achievements.

If Whitney Houston could tell us now what her definition of success would be I wonder what she’d say.

What do you want yours to be?

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Conquering Your Fears

Posted on February 8, 2012 by Caird Urquhart

I speak with my clients about facing and conquering their fears as a regular part of my practice. Most, if not all of us, have a fear threshold that holds us back from accomplishing our full potential. It may not be obvious at first what it is, but lurking behind our best effort to portray confidence lays the fear creature ready to sabotage our attempt at grandeur. As a coach I am not just recycling previously written psycho-babble in the hope that you buy it. I have actually lived what I preach.

In my twenties, yes I can still remember my twenties, I suffered from claustrophobia. I went from being a carefree University student to someone whose life quickly became seriously limited. The fear of being trapped crept up on me without warning. I still to this day have no understanding why it happened. An interesting study I’m sure but at this point for me, and for the purpose of this piece, it doesn’t really matter. More importantly, I got to where I wouldn’t get in an elevator, in the back of a car, or go into an underground parking lot. I couldn’t go to the theatre without sitting on the aisle and checking where all the exits were. Every event I wanted to attend first needed to pass the preliminary interrogation process. Where is it? How do we get there? How many people will attend? How do I get out?

The pinnacle of succumbing to my newly acquired fear was turning down a trip to Spain with my boyfriend at the time. I couldn’t get on the plane. I knew then that I needed to do something or my future would be one of many regrets.

Enter the experts. Who knew there were so many? Although worthy techniques for some, hypnosis and meditation wasn’t what I was looking for. Conjuring up images of my “happy place” only served as a temporary distraction. I needed something I could lean into that would significantly retrain my behaviour.

Then I met a psychologist who taught me about “de-sensitisation’. May sound a bit intimidating but it was just what the doctor ordered. Essentially it is the reversal of the emotional direction you are heading. Instead of going deeper into the hole of trepidation you start to ascend. The two of us set out on our journey of turning back time and mind. We would ride the subway, first one stop together, then one apart. Into elevators we ventured, one floor, then two, then three, and finally the challenge to ride alone and meet him at the top. A step at a time, as he held my hand, figuratively, I looked the devil in the eye and walked on by.

The last piece to conquer of my foreboding dragon was flying. My Dad stepped up for this one. He bought tickets from Toronto to Ottawa return. We flew to the Nation’s capital for dinner and then flew back. As we touched down in Toronto, both my father and I were beaming with pride at my accomplishment; I knew I was well on my way back to freedom.

Like a tick when it backs out of its burrow as heat is applied, the injection of proactive behaviour and thoughts had forced the phobic invader to retreat.

That time in my youth, and the lesson that psychologist taught, has allowed me to not only experience life on a grander scale but has been one of the true “knowings” I can now offer my clients.

You CAN overcome your fears. You CAN retrain your mind.

The question is; are you ready to?

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Single and Winterized

Posted on January 24, 2012 by Caird Urquhart

I have listened to my Mom over the past few years, as she gracefully glides through her eighties, talk about how isolating winter can be. One of the reasons she moved into a retirement residence was to escape the solitary confinement of her big house during the deep freeze and redevelop a sense of community.

I realize, as I too grow in years, that as a single person winter has the same forlorn effect on me. Although still young enough to engage in all the classic outdoor activities and most likely not going to slip and break a hip, the seclusion that comes with the frosty, dark days, plays on my psyche.

So what to do about it?

Change the routine.

Whenever possible, I get away for while. I escape to south Florida to burn off the blues. Just being farther south means that daylight is more available. The warm air encourages me to venture out often. Collecting cheery “good mornings” while on my two mile a.m. jaunt. It seems community surrounds here and is just waiting for me to participate.

As soon as I get off the plane I am filled with the vitamins of life. Simply changing where I wake up has a dramatic impact on how I feel about myself and my world. I know that for me this change of environment is, and will be, a necessity going forward. It’s a good understanding to have.

If getting away for awhile isn’t an option, being a tourist in my hometown is good too. Spending a night in a hotel and doing some sight-seeing fits the bill. Visiting a pocket of the city that I never get too, sitting in a remote cafe and chatting with the locals, taking a new class, all reboot my energy. Meeting different people and changing my routine opens up fresh dialogue and opportunity.

The important point here, whether you are single or not but especially if you are, is to build variety into your world to pre-empt the luring rut of winter.

What will you do to change up your days and keep the bounce of enthusiasm in your step during these months of frozen tundra?

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Traditions

Posted on December 31, 2011 by Caird Urquhart

Traditions are an interesting part of the human experience. Why do we lean into them so much? When I was young I loved tradition. Over the holidays our family had and still has a lot of them. What we eat, where we go, what we wear, what pictures we take, are all part of the Urquhart holiday experience.

I used to take comfort, and to some extent still do, in knowing that on special occasions I could predict how the day would unfold. There was something very nurturing about being able to nuzzle into the bosom of tradition. It was like holding that special bear or blanket before you fell asleep when you were little. Warm, safe, loved unconditionally.

As people get older and lives change; marriage, divorce, children and the inevitable passing on, the traditions that I clung to as a child take on different meaning. On one hand they are a way of celebrating and honouring the bond of family and those who have come and gone. On the other hand they are sad reminders of the way life used to be.

I am finding, as I get older, holding on to long standing traditions brings with it a longing for a reversal of time. A quiet wishing for the good old days when life seemed simpler. Given that that isn’t possible, I have come to acknowledge the need for, and actually welcome, change.

To be able to make shifts in how we celebrate special times is of great benefit. There is less reminiscing and more room for being in the present; a state of mind that knows no difference and therefore doesn’t have room for comparisons or reflection. However the day develops is as it should be. The ability to foster wonderful memories is still there without the need to carbon copy last year’s experience. In fact the likely hood of recalling the differences adopted in each year’s celebration is increased as they will stand apart from all the others.

Are there traditions in your life that create more angst than joy?  Some deep rooted sense of duty has you clinging onto them just because that is the way it has always been. Why? When will you give yourself permission to change how things are done and perhaps, heaven forbid, start new traditions? Is that an oxymoron?

Admittedly, I would be lost without some of my families’ traditions. They are, in part, what grounds me. But when the act of doing becomes more important than the reason why, or the people you do it with, then it slips from having meaning to simply being habit.

I for one, at this point in my life, care more about the people I spend time with, than the tradition that surrounds that moment.

Traditions…interesting. Valuable or not?  I’ll let you be the judge.

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The Freedom Walk

Posted on December 1, 2011 by Caird Urquhart

Every Sunday morning my sister and brother-in-law and I, joined at times by a close friend or two, make the short pilgrimage to our favourite greasy spoon. This morning, as I was putting my coat and scarf on, I reviewed, as habit, my “leaving the house check list”; keys, wallet, glasses, lip balm and Blackberry. As I reached for the last item on the list, which I had already checked several times that morning for “pressing” Sunday morning news, I questioned why I needed to take it with me.

Do I really need to be in contact with anyone during my walk or at breakfast? Is there a critical email or text that I may miss in the two hours I’ll be gone? Will something come up in conversation between bites of bacon that will cause me to want to make a call? What about time? I don’t wear a watch so will I need to know what time it is?

The answer, after I paused to deliberate, was an unchallenged….NO. I’ll just leave my Blackberry turned off on the kitchen counter. I pushed the red button and watch as the screen went dark and then I headed for the door.

Just then my home phone rang. I back pedalled into the house to answer it but alas was too late. “Perhaps they will be trying my cell”, I whispered to myself. Without hesitation I reignited my Blackberry and my gateway to the outside world. Moments passed and no sign of a call. I had fallen for the trap.

This amazing device, which I gladly married myself too, was now a modern form of prison. Self- imposed entrapment. I had become glued to the ability to connect with anyone on my Rolodex in seconds. I had also indirectly given them permission to search me out at any time without escape.

With that realization, I quickly deadened technology again and marched proudly out the door, knowing I had left the addictive beast behind. Now I will be able to walk through the streets independently, being present to notice all that I pass and able to interact with all whom I meet.

The Freedom Walk…so simple, yet so liberating.

Will you give yourself permission to take one?

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Every Moment is Precious

Posted on November 17, 2011 by Caird Urquhart

The shocking death of the Olympic Gold Medal winning horse Hickstead is a hard core reminder of how fragile life is. Watching that powerful, athletic animal crumble to the ground without warning is a visual I will not forget. How can something so perfect be gone in an instant?

I know there have been many a song sung, a book written and a lecture given about not taking life for granted. Somehow we always seem to forget. So the challenge becomes what we can do every day to remind ourselves to not only live in the moment but to fully embrace it.

Personally, my daily goal is to be happy. I’m not talking about laugh out loud, smiley face kind of happiness. I am speaking of the deep rooted joy that comes from living life on purpose. In Canada we have the given right of choice. Many places in the world would consider that one simple word a luxury or not an option at all. I believe part of our responsibility, as people who live in a free society, is to make choices that enhance our life and the lives of those around us.

I had a conversation the other day with someone who was complaining about having to make too many decisions. I suggested a perspective shift. To have many decisions means that you have options. Be thankful for the privilege of choice and embrace the act of making decisions.

One of the exercises I do with my clients is to help them identify and live by their top five values. Mine are: passion, leadership, beauty, honesty and freedom. The way I achieve happiness everyday is to check in to make sure that the decisions I make and the actions I take involve the majority, if not all, of my top five. If that isn’t the case I quickly take stock of my day and make sure to add something that will honour these values. I have that choice and I for one will do my best to not squander it.

If you haven’t seen the fall of the great Hickstead, take a look at YouTube and then ask yourself, am I living my days fully?

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Food – Some of Nature’s Best Work

Posted on November 4, 2011 by Caird Urquhart

The best thing about experiencing different cultures is acquiring new eyes to take a better look at your own.

As I lie in a hammock on a day that falls nothing short of perfection in the south of France, I am forced to examine the North American lifestyle; particularly pertaining to food.

Here in Provence, folks are up with the sun strolling into the local village to stock up on their daily provisions. Every morning the same quest for food takes place. With canvas shopping bags hung over their shoulders these Parisians, and all of us who dare to copy, can be seen poking at fruit, studying vegetables and standing in line for their favourite pastry du jour.

There is no rushing here. Tasty food takes time to inspect and select. The journey home is often interrupted by a pause at the café. Small round tables with chairs facing the road are common place. Everyone enjoys watching the world go by as they read the paper or catch up on the daily gossip.

So what am I learning about life in Provence? There is an appreciation of beauty in each moment here. There is a closeness with the earth and what it provides.

I can take back home an increased sense of awareness in all that is related to food. I want to sniff more fruit and sample more cheese. I want to get to know my neighbourhood grocers and be educated about what is fresh and local on their shelves. I want to wake every morning in search of the perfect thing to eat that day instead of loading up a grocery cart with two weeks of pre-planned meals.

I want to take more time to think about, prepare and present meals. Catching myself when I start to take all the goodness the earth provides for granted.

We are very fortunate in North America. Our options are endless. Perhaps we have too many. Have we become numb to the beauty of a fresh peach or the effort it takes to grow a tomato? Are we in such a hurry to get on with our day that we are unconscious about the very essence that allows us to have a day at all? The earth’s food, I thank you Provence for reminding me of its glory.

What will your next meal look like?

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You call this a promotion?

Posted on October 20, 2011 by Caird Urquhart

More and more I hear this from people who have been given promotions or head hunted from other companies only to be treated badly when they step into their new role. If a person has made the cut for that coveted position, they have most likely worked hard to earn it. A downturn in the economy does not give employers permission to treat people badly. We may have the luxury of more talented candidates to choose from, but once the choice is made don’t take these folks for granted.

It is important to remember that the employer/employee relationship runs both ways. The gratitude a recently promoted worker feels will most likely be obvious. The employer however needs to be equally grateful.  Finding people you believe in enough to serve up more of your company’s responsibility to isn’t easy. When we as employers start to take our staff, regardless of their position, for granted we devalue them as people. If they sense that, their work will begin to reflect it. Productivity goes down. Attitudes become more jaded. They start to question why they are there.  Loyalty to you and your business will evaporate.

When people aren’t acknowledged for their effort or treated respectfully, it plays on their self-esteem. The lower their self-esteem, the more likely they are to make mistakes, in turn lowering their self-esteem. It’s a downward spiral.

If you have promoted someone recently, or poached an executive away from another company, with the hope that he/she will be the rock star your business needs, treat them as such. If that person isn’t fulfilling your expectations you have no one to blame but yourself.  You made the choice. You created the job. You are their leader. If they fail, you have failed.

People at all levels of business want to know they are making a contribution. Make sure you let them know how and how much on a regular basis. They will reward you with loyalty and good work. Two ingredients needed from employees for any business to succeed.

When was the last time you praised your team?

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Stuff – why do we give it so much value?

Posted on September 6, 2011 by Caird Urquhart

Two years ago I redecorated the inside of my house. I had come to the realization the furniture that surrounded me had all been purchased by my 20 something persona. Now that I had reached a more, let’s call it mature age, I felt that my surroundings should reflect my growing sophistication.

I hired a decorator and declared that my house be transformed from “Canadian Country” to “French Country” and two months later, presto I had my wish. What I didn’t realize was that all of my “old” furniture, which my niece happily took for her first apartment, represented not just my younger style but also all the corresponding memories. I am not a person who goes into a department store and buys a set of living room furniture. No, I am the kind of person who over a decade had searched out and carefully picked each piece. Days of antique hunting with girlfriends; hours of sifting through countless selections of fabrics; all with the conscious effort of making my place a cozy, welcoming home.

As I watched each personally selected item go out the door and onto a moving truck, unexpected pangs of regret hit me. If furniture could talk, what would it be saying? Don’t get rid of me, remember… oh the stories it could tell. Had I just given away my life?

That moment resurfaced for me again this week as I tagged and moved some of my mother’s treasured pieces from her home of 46 years. She has decided to move into a retirement residence and with her, travel some of her memories and mine. I suspect she will go through the same angst when closing the door on most of her belongings and the house they resided in. They too will hold the memories of a well lived life.

What I have learned from my more trivial experience two years previous, is that things don’t hold our memories. We do. It didn’t take long for me to forget about the passed on Canadiana collection. My new décor has risen up to meet my expectations. It surrounds me in the same loving and welcoming way. The truth is that the things didn’t make the space, I did and I still do. I hope my mother can recognize and embrace that realization.

Home is home because of the people in it and the stories they share. Everything else is just stuff.

What belongings are you having trouble letting go of? Is it time?

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Don’t put your name on the door

Posted on August 15, 2011 by Caird Urquhart

Many an entrepreneur has started a small business with the early intention of just feeding their family.  They may have a service or product that they believe in and feel they can improve on and out perform their competition.

For lack of a better name, or in some cases to nourish their ego, these well intended industrialists decide to name the business after themselves; Smiths’ Grocery Store, Jones’ Pharmacy and so on. This is the point where I believe most new entrepreneurs go wrong. At that moment they have not only started a company but a family brand and the foundation for the reputation of their heirs. As soon as they put their name on the door, they have without thought, just given birth to a family business.

Whether your business stays small or has the vision and good fortune to turn into an internationally recognized brand; the ability to separate it from family, if your name is on the door, is next to impossible. Your children, their children and their children’s children will step into reputations that precede them. Reputations lead to expectations. In many cases both will be impossible to live up to.

On the other side of the namesake coin hides the open door policy. Anyone who comes from a well known family business will understand how the simple fact that you carry that name can grant you access to otherwise closed environments. From the outside this can be seen as nothing but an advantage but once behind the exclusive walls the gremlins of low self esteem are revealed.  When opportunity is too easy, one will always question if it is deserved and if it could have been accomplished independently.

Those next in line, who don’t care about their independence, need be aware of the slippery slope into the land of entitlement. Here the characteristics of posturing, arrogance and snobbery are bred, coupled with deep rooted insecurity. Reputation killers for sure. Not to mention the seeds that foster the destruction of your forefather’s kingdom.

All of this is not to say that family businesses can’t thrive and continue on for many generations. I do believe they can. I am suggesting that without being aware of the ramifications caused by putting your name on the door, you are lessening your chances tenfold. Growth of a family business cannot come without growth of a family.

Build a business and see if your family rises to meet it. Not because they bear the name but because they desire to participate and have worked hard to deserve the chance, thus creating their own reputation.

What name is on your company’s door and what effect is it having on your family?

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